Suddenly I was cold
When all the glories of the evening shattered
Into one aching, tearing moment.
And the wind,
Once playful,
Blasted the ants into the crevices—
Merciless, the brute weight of it all
Against such a tiny being—
No one is safe.
All the laughter going by
Seemed hollow and empty;
My ears straining to catch
A much more bitter tone
As bitter as the tears that fell,
And yet, not entirely despairing.
But don’t say
    It’s going to be all right;
Such a trite phrase
For so hurting a moment
So I,
Grieved,
Say nothing.

9/28/09

Lucky we were safe
Though the fire in the treetops warned us
Out east, when the wind shoved against every ounce of shelter,
Barring the torrent of words between us —
It’s only air.
But the night, far from peaceful
Seducing with its untamed mystery; revealing
and evocative of past lives
or imagined ones— Don’t you realize?
Some things are breathtaking
In the absence of light and color.
Yet, even the waves protest,
Crashing upon the limits God prescribed.
You are like a wave —
It’s only sand.

But I know
However many times the milk is spilt
The glimmers overhead give way to dawn
With unflinching loyalty
And a ferocious night leaves
Cool caresses through gently blowing curtains
Suggesting the relentlessness of their Creator
Who makes both color and light
Arrive through wild and windy nights;
No matter how lost – His
Is the power to Overcome.

Isa 50:10

Who is among you that feareth the LORD, that obeyeth the voice of his servant, that walketh in darkness, and hath no light? let him trust in the name of the LORD, and stay upon his God.

nYc 09
I had the desire to blog when I came back from NYc last week but I hit the ground running and haven't been able to sit down to it until now. So...it happens that I have lost the glimmers of the words I was going to use, and the immediacy of its splendor has given way to other more recent happenings. (things like...messing up my ankle from sitting on the floor too much with little children jumping in your lap--yeah, you didn't know that could happen, did you?-- a knock-out non-sleep-over at the church with hysterical kids that I love, and spending an lonely afternoon at a fair booth compulsorarily smiling at the passersby ...) But anyhow I will try.

Saturday morning found us setting off on the lovely letter-named streets that consist of j9's neighborhood. The weather was beautiful. We took a bus to the train station, then the train to the city; Destination: MoMa. Needless to say it was interesting, if not disturbing at some points; I think the general consensus of modern art is like modern art itself--the profound overarching theme of...whattheheck?  No rules, do what you want. Some people's "want" resounds more with my taste (like bright colors...I discovered I like colors), while others' "want" I would rather they left in their own bedrooms. But I see how along with music, the arts have degenerated as the culture and society has...together with the philosophies and morals. What kind of messages are being portrayed now? Is there a message at all? We used to paint/write/notate about noble things, about love and virtue and courage, and most of all perhaps about God, in all sorts of Aspects, but now..."maybe I'll just draw a few lines here, just because I want to, or maybe I'll just take all the clutter out of my house and build a shack around it. Ok, it's museum-worthy."
I won't say I'm any authority on art, far from it, but I think when we look through the history of Western culture and analyze the arts alongside the devolutions of worldviews...there is a correlation.

aanyway...off to Central Park we hopped after our tummies reminded us of our date amongst the trees, and after we waited for some slowpokes to make sandwiches for us, but Central Park was beautiful as always; I love the place, and I would like a hug to give the person whose idea it was to have it. =P

F.A.O Schwartz? A giant toy store basically. J9 really wanted to stay for storytime so we sat amongst the little ones and watched the nice story lady lead songs with her guitar and read a story. It reminded me of my own camps, except there was no obligation involved. I should be a story lady. =P

Chinatown called me, so we subway-ed there...it reminded me of Taipei with the smell and the crowd and the sights and the wares. Out of Providence we found a bakery, found the bubble-tea place, and found the place to eat for dinner (via two phone calls to two separate people), and I was semi-excited that I knew what I was doing in a Chinese restaurant on my own. o.o They put us at the party table where two parties shared one table, it was a little awkward/amusing and I think we one-upped them because we used chopsticks while the other yuppie asians asked for forks. -.-

I was just amazed how everything worked out swell for us; the weather, the locations we were in (thanks to j9's planning), the timing, and the things we found...the only bum wait times being at the sandwich shop and the stops for transportation...the trains were slow and whacked that night.

She took me to see 500 days... I guess you could say I felt O_o;; afterwards. Very thought-provoking, very sobering, just to think that even though being straightforward in a relationship is GOOD, your choices/actions don't just affect yourself--and I suppose it just comes down to whether or not you love yourself the most or you want to love your brother/sister more. Selfishness is doing what YOU want...ah...and you really can't fool around and give bullcrap like the whole "just friends" deal. Seriously I don't want to do that. Maybe the problem is (a problem) I want happy endings for everyone; but sometimes the happy ending isn't what we expect, and we're so finite we often can't see the ending anyway. I wonder sometimes what my definition of true love is--is there really just "one" out there for you and if so, will you just "know" it when you come to it?? Or is it just a choice that you make...given, once you make it, it's part of God's plan? Then we have to go into the whole issue of Sovereignty and freewill, I suppose, which always will be a bit muddy I fear, so I won't dip my toes into those murky waters. I just know I have a responsibility for what I do and the choices I make, and I am accountable to God if I am selfish. Choices are hard, especially the right ones. I think they always will be.

Anyhow, more happiness was added to the day by good food (I think I am beginning to realize how happi a thing good food is... -_o) and street musicians. Not all of them, but the ones such as the jazz trumpeter, the golden saxophonist, the singer of "What a wonderful World on the street corner"--inciting the teen girls to sway from the other side of the street-- and above all the pianist at the bottom of the subway station...Maybe one day I'll be a street musician. For one day, I mean.
**edit:
I love how street musicians bring a sense of beauty to an otherwise noisy, crowded, and ugly place. Somewhere that is full of people coming and going, not usually a place where you would say is the prettiest or the happiest...but when they bring their old beat-up instrument and start to play their hearts out, it still adds an aesthetic touch that I believe is invaluable to our world. It's a pity when people don't stop to listen to the good ones. I guess that's why I was not so attracted to some of the art I saw at MoMa...but maybe sometimes we need a slap in the face with ugliness to realize what beauty means.

A good trip; a tiring one. I muchly appreciate J9 for her hospitality and bearing with my rants and stories that go forever in circles. I am glad I got to see her in her "natural habitat," and that we got to spend time with each other. So, I like NY, but I think I'll have to say that it is always good to come back home.