Something last night made me pull out the big box and revisit the year 06 again, at least the beginning. It's mind-boggling how much I've forgotten about things that happened only 3 years ago. It feels like amnesia--as if something completely wiped the slate clean, or emptied my memory of its contents. Not all its contents, though. I know it's selective, and I know it's not that I forgot just because of time or circumstances--no, I was the one who did the erasing. But why? Why would I want to forget about some of the best moments of my life? I even questioned myself this...
[Every time I want to write something I get to about one paragraph and then I stop, and then want to erase the whole thing and not post anything. But I'm going to push through this one, because I should write.]
I think through everything up to the Rending... I built up a wall around myself. [Not to mention questioning a lot of "why" for the things I did in "past-life."] People didn't know about it because I didn't tell them-- I consumed myself in the pain, and slowly all the contacts I had with the people of the outside-world/past-life dropped away. I took for granted that old friends would care, (and some did, because I chose to reach out and open up to them) but building "a wall of steel and flame and men with guns to keep it tame," (weeping||josh groban) well, of course the guns and fire remained for a long time. But I wouldn't attribute it all to that. I know a thought that has often crossed my mind is a resentment of the fact that these people were VERY well-loved and very well-known--who needed me? It didn't matter whether or not I was in their life or not. I see it now as being an incredibly selfish attitude (haha, i am getting quite familiar with my selfishness lately), and it is wrong. Life is made up of the intersections of meetings with people and there is a reason you've met someone--maybe only for a few months or even a few days, but just because it's only for a short time doesn't mean you should try to scrub their imprint off of your memory. And yes, communication and upkeep of a relationship does take a bit of work. But why not be able to just pick up where you left off the last time? My problem is that the world seemingly caved under my feet, so going back to where we were would be quite impossible. But I hope the attitude will change from now--especially to change the wrong offense I took up against those who I felt let me leave, when I was the one who cut the strings (not counting the Casanova who went everywhere trailing a string of hearts, haha). Some of these dear people have taught me much and been with me through quite a lot. I am glad God let them into my life even for a little while. One day the bounds of time and distance and inhibition will be loosed, and we will all be able to praise God together under the big sapphire-blue heaven.
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