yay another asian-american indie
artist ^.^
This week was amazing....not that anything stupendous happened, but I felt a lot of improvement (well, not a lot, but a little, a lot of times) in my attitudes and God showed me a lot of things that I hadn't thought about before. It was so discouraging last week after the first study group because I was so gung-ho about changing, and then less than 3 days later everything fell kersplat, but I really think that the Enemy wants to try to get us down right after we experience something life-changing. But this week was so much better, somehow. Even the mornings were gorgeous...He'd wake me up unexpectedly early (it got progressively later each day though, heh) and the mornings were just beautiful. It got so I was really jittery/giddy the day before my test and I couldn't study, I had to go run for two miles. =P
I was so stressed at the beginning of this summer session, wondering how I could juggle stats, art apprec and 7-hour work days, but it just shows how little I trusted God to guide me and provide for me. Turns out I'm out of teaching these next few weeks because enrollment is down (possibly a system error also), and I decided to drop a class and take it later so I can focus more on finishing the loads of homework my asianesque-teacher puts on us and actually understanding the chapters. Oh, and last I talked to the music school director it sounded like she wanted to keep me for a while, possibly all through grad school, so I have a potential job...O_o It's a challenge to me to pay attention in all my classes because I never know what I'm going to need. I wish I was more interested in pedagogy...maybe I'll do that in my spare time....ha ha ha! But I really love Music Together (its like a combination of Kodaly and Dalcroz...and other people I've forgotten), even though it fits better for teachers who are outgoing and egregious, but I think I could do well at it because it's so fun and you can work with little little kids. =)
God has been challenging me this week to think outside the box about my life and commitment to Him. The chapter we went through in the book was about the profile of the lukewarm, it was so convicting because I know there are a lot of areas in my life that need to be set on fire.
Things that really stood out to me:
"Lukewarm people rarely share their faith with their neighbors, co-workers or friends. They do not want to be rejected, nor do they want to make people uncomfortable by talking about private issues like religion.
Lukewarm people's love is highly conditional and very selective.
Lukewarm people think about life on earth much more often than eternity in heaven. Daily life is focused mostly on today's to-do list, this week's schedule, and next month's vacation. ...
Lukewarm people are continually concerned with playing it safe; they are slaves to the god of control. This focus on safe living keeps them from sacrificing and risking for God.
Lukewarm people have limits as to how far they will go or how much time, money, and energy they are willing to give."
(
Crazy Love, Francis Chan)<--highly recommend
Talk about wow...all those things describe me! But I am so thankful to Him for showing me these things and I know His grace is enough to walk me through these things to progress...I like a quote that was said tonight, "I want to live every day struck by the love of Christ."
Tonight in study group a friend shared about some of the fears she had...it is always refreshing to hear people open up and talk about their spiritual life where they are. But some of the things she said reminded me of things I went through before...the same fear of God taking something very dear to you away, the fear that you wouldn't be able to make it through a Rending if your heart is so attached to it. ...Actually when I think about where I've come from (the Grey Shadow, the black emptiness, the bitterness, the pain) I am surprised and amazed at God's goodness and faithfulness to me. He never let me go and He never gave up on me, and I am thankful for letting all of that happen, even though it was hell going through it, but I made it, and I praise Him, because His Love is better than life! Not to say that everyone should go through the same thing I went through, but I think everyone experiences the same kind of pain to some extent, and it really is amazing to get through it all realizing He is by your side and is Loving on you every moment, even in your darkest, emptiest hour.
It is true that sometimes God takes away the things that we love most because He wants us to love Him first. It sounds kind of bad, but it's really the Greatest good that can ever happen to us because He is Truly the Only One worthy of all our love. ...and it is true that we have to experience it for ourselves, I can't "tell" this into someone, just like no one could tell me what it would be like to be Rent and then go meet wonderful new people who would show me how great and kind and compassionate my God is. But it sure does help to have support and people around you to guide you.
It really does all boil down to Him, and His love. One of my own themes this summer seems to be "get over yourself" -- because really, it's not about me and my problems and my pain, and when I look at the grand scheme of things, my issues don't amount to a hill of beans. (videos>>awefactor) My life is so short in comparison to eternity--what am I doing today that will actually matter? Can I go beyond what I think is comfortable to magnify my Awesome, Incredible, Breathtaking, Crazy-by-the-world's-standards, GOD?
I am soo thankful for study group, I love it!!
